5 Reasons We’ve Got to Stop Miley Cyrus

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No. No more. This has gone too far. If a higher power gets wind of what she’s doing, we are going to get apocalypsed so hard. Someone has got to stop Miley Cyrus before she destroys us all.
Miley’s recent and almost unfathomable run of awfulness culminated last night at the MTV Video Music Awards, when she showed the world just how high her potential for epic stage atrocities can be. Apparently, someone in Miley’s life has convinced her that she’s the new “bad girl” of pop, and now millions of innocent Americans are paying the price. So tread lightly music fans, lest you find yourself in the Miley fallout zone, being exposed to dangerous levels of untalented delusion.

5 Even Rihanna is Perturbed

Rihanna isn’t exactly a model of restraint on stage, but even as an often hyper-sexual performer herself, she didn’t seem to know what the hell to do with Miley Cyrus’ vicious air humping. In the middle of Miley’s horrendous performance, a camera cutaway revealed Rihanna’s reaction, which fell somewhere between unimpressed and genuinely uncomfortable. Even the poor One Direction boys look like they’ve been deeply violated.

4 Stage Presence?

Miley Cyrus’ VMA performance closely resembled that of a high school talent show performer who severely underestimated how they actually needed to plan things out in advance. Miley spent the bulk of her performance running around awkwardly, slapping her backup “dancers” asses, and just generally humping whatever was anywhere near her, whether it was Robin Thicke or just some empty space. There was no choreography in site, but there WAS plenty of pretending a foam finger was her penis, so… at least there’s that.

3 She Can’t Sing

It’s one thing to be shocking on stage; Lady Gaga and her assortment of meat-based wardrobe choices have proven that talent can be used as justification for being super-weird. The problem with Miley however, is that she doesn’t seem to have nearly enough talent to balance the stunning amount of suck she’s pumping out. Maybe Miley Cyrus CAN sing in general, but her recent string of “we can party as much as we want” songs are horrendous, and she doesn’t seem to have the chops to hold her own notes live.

2 Her Look

There used to be a time that in order to make a living making terrible music, you at least had to be easy on the eyes. Case in point: all of the successful moments of Britney Spears’ career. Miley however, has somehow managed to convince the world that she’s attractive, when in fact, she is not. She probably COULD be, but thanks to her decisions to sport increasingly mental patient-like hairdos and take the stage in strange, furry, mouse bikinis, she comes across as that girl who thinks she is unbelievably hot, but mostly everyone is just genuinely scared of her.

1 That Tongue

What the hell is going on with her tongue? Who the hell told Miley Cyrus that it was a good idea to strut around on stage looking like Odie from Garfield? It seems like any time a camera is on her, her weird, giant tongue just flops out of her mouth, almost as if she has absolutely no control of it. The only way to justify seeing this much of Miley’s tongue would be to argue that her tongue became self-aware, found out the role that it’s playing in unleashing horrible music on the world, and now it’s trying to escape from her face.



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