All Trumped Up: 5 Ridiculous Quotes from Donald Trump

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He may be an unbelievably pompous jackass, but there’s no denying that Donald Trump serves a very real and legitimate purpose in our society; providing comedic fodder.

It seems that every time Trump opens his mouth of late, he promptly shoves his foot in. So much so that the real estate magnate has become more known for making completely ridiculous statements than for making money, and he doesn’t seem to be slowing down any. In a recent response to the issue of sexual assault in the military, Trump tweeted “26,000 unreported sexual assaults in the military—only 238 convictions. What did these geniuses expect when they put men & women together?”

So, evidently, the Donald believes that when men and women are put in close proximity, rape is just a natural bi-product. And that’s just the beginning of Trump’s seemingly endless supply of insanity.

5 Trump on a Presidential Run

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“I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest, and my women are more beautiful.”

In establishing one’s self as a legitimate political candidate, it is important to come across as having honesty and integrity. Knowing that, Trump assured potential voters that first and foremost, he is a more honest person than anyone else who would run. He also let them know that, just in case they were wondering, he is TOTALLY killing it with the ladies. High Five!

4 Trump on the Past

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“In life you have to rely on the past, and that’s called history.”

Little known fact, there was actually not a name for it until Trump informed the world at large that it was called “history.” Yes, in addition to building casinos and heading up the downfall of quality television as we know it, Donald Trump also coined the term “history.” Before him, everybody just called it “that stuff that happened that one time.”

3 Trump on Race Relations

“I have a great relationship with the blacks.”

Well, obviously. After all, if he didn’t, he wouldn’t be so aware of their secret preference to be collectively referred to as “the blacks.” The Donald can never be considered racist as long as he continues to make sweeping, politically incorrect generalizations about how well he and entire races of people get along. Just ask “the blacks,” he’s quite sure they’ll back him up on that.

2 Trump on Obama’s Birthplace

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“I have people that have been studying [Obama’s birth certificate] and they cannot believe what they’re finding… I would like to have him show his birth certificate, and can I be honest with you, I hope he can. Because if he can’t—if he can’t—if he wasn’t born in this country, which is a real possibility—then he has pulled one of the great cons in the history of politics.”

In this moment of brilliance, Trump considers the very serious possibility that a man became the leader of the free world simply by being the craftiest grifter around. You heard it here; Barack Obama is the Danny Ocean of presidents.

1 Trump on Gay Marriage

“It’s like in golf. A lot of people—I don’t want this to sound trivial—but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive. It’s weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can’t sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.”

That’s right, he doesn’t want to make it sound trivial, but he feels the same way about gay marriage as he does about silly putters. It’s like, what the hell is with those things?! Right?

TK Kelly is a comic and writer who has performed at clubs across the country like the Comedy Store, the Improv, Gotham, and Standup NY. He has also written for Tosh.0, Comedy Central Studios, Funny or Die, Recycled Babies Sketch Comedy, and Second City. His standup comedy has been described as “a thing that happens sometimes,” and according to one of his grandmothers, he is a generally delightful young man. If he were forced at gunpoint to describe himself in one word, that would be a really weird hostage situation.

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