Chart-broken: the Top 5 Upcoming Taylor Swift Hit Songs

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Taylor Swift is quite simply a 23-year-old hit-machine. Drawing from a seemingly endless pool of heartbreaking inspiration, Taylor’s many short-lived and ever-shuffling relationships have supplied her with a veritable gold mine of emotional hardship long before she can even legally rent a car. So what’s next for the young country songstress? Well, Taylor will reportedly be releasing yet another breakup inspired album in mid-2013, and we here at Top 5 have got the scoop on the slated singles. These are the top five soon-to-be-released hits from Taylor Swift.

5 “Love From 200 Feet”

Taylor’s defiant reaction to being served a remarkable number of restraining orders before the age of twenty-five, “Love From 200 Feet” is the pop-country crooner’s way of telling her ex-beaus that technically speaking, hang gliding over their houses with a sniper rifle isn’t a violation of their court order. It is a testament to young Taylor’s creativity and persistence, and also a cautionary warning to the next ten men who decide that dating a music superstar is worth maybe dealing with a whole bunch of crazy.

4 “Bonus Jonas”

A clear and calculated shot at ex-boyfriend and fellow musician Joe Jonas, “Bonus Jonas” is the melodic tale of Taylor’s brief but tawdry fling with the former Disney star’s less-famous second cousin. While Joe maintains that he has no distant relative named Clem Jonas, and that Taylor was simply duped by a balding mechanic from Western Kentucky, that didn’t stop Swift from recounting, in descriptive and visual detail, the affair she hoped would show Joe just what he’s been missing.

3 “I’m Outside Your Window”

A haunting and operatic aria dedicated to all of her former lovers, regardless of how brief their relationships may have been, “I’m Outside Your Window” is an emotional and disturbingly vague reminder to all of them that at some point in the near future, she’ll be found hiding in their bushes. The tune’s stunning audio depth is bolstered by a track of heavy breathing that runs below the music throughout, and the lyrics are piqued with poignantly composed similes like “The thorns in your shrubbery stick me like your betrayal.” It’s a ditty quite reminiscent of the Police’s 1983 hit “Every Breath You Take,” if you could definitely tell Sting was holding a knife when he recorded it.

2 “You Belong To Me”

A follow up to her monster 2009 hit, “You Belong With Me,” Taylor’s ballad “You Belong To Me” is a heartfelt and almost threatening reminder to her pug Wesley, that he is forever her possession. While boyfriends may have the free will and general self-sufficiency to come and go as they please, Taylor is comforted knowing that her wrinkly puppy pal can never escape her slightly too-tight grasp. She was inspired to write the song after several hours of hugging him, and squeezing him and loving him, not unlike Elmyra from Tiny Toon Adventures, while Wesley clawed and squirmed in the futile hope of tasting sweet freedom.

1 “I’m Definitely, Totally Not Dating You Again”

Hot off the heels of her massive hit “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together,” Taylor Swift’s next single is the slightly less catchy, but no less wordy, “I’m Definitely, Totally Not Dating You Again.” Another ode to Jake Gyllenhaal, the same boyfriend that “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” is about, “I’m Definitely, Totally Not Dating You Again” is the result of having briefly gotten back together with him. Say what you will about her fickle heart, at least it’s helping her pump out solid gold hits.
Remember you heard it here Taylor fanatics, the top five soon-to-be chart-toppers from superstar recording artist and breakup extraordinaire, Taylor Swift. And be on the lookout for her new album “It’s Not Me, It’s You,” slated for release in July, 2013.

TK Kelly is a comic and writer who has performed at clubs across the country like the Comedy Store, the Improv, Gotham, and Standup NY. He has also written for Tosh.0, Comedy Central Studios, Funny or Die, Recycled Babies Sketch Comedy, and Second City. His standup comedy has been described as “a thing that happens sometimes,” and according to one of his grandmothers, he is a generally delightful young man. If he were forced at gunpoint to describe himself in one word, that would be a really weird hostage situation.

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