Like a Racist Phoenix: the Top 5 Ways for Mel Gibson to Make a Comeback

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It’s no secret that Mel Gibson’s career has hit a bit of a bumpy road in recent years. Consider this is an open letter to Mel, an offer of unsolicited advice to help get his acting career back on track. Here are the top five ways for Mel Gibson to make a comeback.

5 Pull a “Tootsie”

When all else fails, show up as a lady. It worked for Dustin Hoffman, in a fictional film mind you, but desperate times call for desperate measures, my friend. If all of your other options fail, you may have to accept the fact that Mel Gibson’s career is over, and devote yourself fully to the success of Melanie Bigson. You are a true thespian Mel, no one will deny that. So even though you may have to trade in the traditional Scottish war garb you wore as William Wallace for pumps and a little black dress so you can play a fashion maven on the CW’s “The Carrie Diaries,” you never know what might re-launch your career.

4 Celebrity Rehab

Step 1: Get addicted to something seriously hardcore. You’re more-than-probable alcoholism won’t cut it – you’ll need something that will garner a lot more sympathy. Step 2: Land a spot on “Celebrity Rehab with Doctor Drew.” Step 3: Claim that you’ve been addicted to said substance for years, and blame everything you’ve done in the past decade on the fact that you were “in a really dark place.” In order to forgive you, people need to believe there’s something very serious behind your madness. If they realize that’s just Mel being good ol’ Mel, it’s all over buddy.

3 Talk Show

Go on a talk show and offer up a serious does of honesty. However, DO NOT go on Oprah. A sit down with Oprah was the beginning of a downward slide for Tom Cruise, and it certainly hasn’t helped Lance Armstrong any. Not to mention the fact that only roughly seven to 12 people watch her new show. The safe bet today is to go with Ellen. Everyone loves Ellen. Plus she’ll likely spend most of the time dancing, so you’ll only have to spend like 10 total minutes apologizing. And remember Mel, Lance Armstrong’s confession was a disingenuous mess, but you’re an actor – you can just pretend to be genuine.

2 Play Mel Gibson

A time-tested method for getting an acting career back on track is landing a role where you play a fictionalized version of yourself. Seriously, it worked for Neil Patrick Harris in “Harold and Kumar,” and more recently for Matt LeBlanc, who won a Golden Globe for his performance in the Showtime comedy “Episodes.” Though to be fair to NPH and Joey, neither one of their careers had stalled due to them being publicly exposed as a maniacal bigot. Still, it’s a viable option. So take a trip to your local Starbucks, find the guy with the thickest beard, and pay him to write Mel Gibson into the teen sex comedy screenplay he’s obviously working on.

1 Adoption

Few acts come off more selfless and humane than adoption. So honestly Mel, adopt everything. You’ve got enough money to care for a small army, so why not put it to good use? Go out and get yourself like seven babies, one from each continent. Seriously, your annual Christmas card should look like a tiny UN summit. And don’t stop there. Go get yourself a couple of one-eyed yorkies, a three-legged cat, and a clownfish with one fin that has tragically left him only able to swim in small circles. You don’t have to be compassionate; you just have to look like you are.

TK Kelly is a comic and writer who has performed at clubs across the country like the Comedy Store, the Improv, Gotham, and Standup NY. He has also written for Tosh.0, Comedy Central Studios, Funny or Die, Recycled Babies Sketch Comedy, and Second City. His standup comedy has been described as “a thing that happens sometimes,” and according to one of his grandmothers, he is a generally delightful young man. If he were forced at gunpoint to describe himself in one word, that would be a really weird hostage situation.

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