5 Low Expectations
Look, if nothing else, we can safely say that no one is expecting this child to be anything short of awful. Sure he hasn’t been born yet, and yes, most people would be hesitant to call a newborn baby the world’s worst person, but these are special circumstances. Everyone already assumes this is going to be like Honey Boo Boo if her parents had billions of dollars (and weren’t cousins). But in a way, that’s a beautiful thing for the baby Kardashian, because people will expect so little of him that even the smallest sign of humility or accomplishment will be lauded. Honestly, if just once in his life this kid holds a door open for an old lady, he will be crowned the most admirable member of the entire Kardashian crew.
4 Selective Hearing
When your parents are quite possibly the world’s two most self-indulgent, vapid, and nonsensical people, it’s fair to say you’ll learn early on how to tune them out. Honestly, take all of the footage you can find of Kim and Kanye from the last six months, spend 3 weeks in front of your TV watching it closely, and just try to find two sentences that were actually worth saying. It can’t be done. By the time this kid is five, his ability to use selective hearing will likely be so fine-tuned that he literally won’t be able to hear stupid people. His brain will adapt and actually shut down his sense of hearing whenever anyone starts off a sentence with “Seriouslyyyy….”
3 Free Giant Eyewear
Between Kim and Kanye, their prowess when it comes to massive sunglasses is unrivaled. They make Bono look like an amateur collector. So it’s safe to assume that once they’re sick of a pair, they throw it in, I don’t know, let’s call it the “I don’t like this no more” room (a 500 square-foot vault, brimming with their discarded fashionables). Not only will the child have free reign to go swimming in this pile of unwanted eyewear a-la Scrooge McDuck, he’ll also have his free pick of the bunch. And it’s safe to say he’ll probably be the only kid in preschool rocking $5,000 Dolce and Gabbana’s.
2 Weekends with Aunt Khloe
It’s clear that Kim and Kanye will probably be the worst kind of parents, and why shouldn’t they be? They’re already the worst kind of everything else. But you know they’ll probably follow all the latest parenting trends, including keeping their child off the chunky list by never allowing him to eat sugar. And that’s where Aunt Khloe comes in. Weekend trips to Aunt Khloe and Uncle Lamar’s place will have this kid rolling in snack cakes, skittles and soda as far as they eye can see. It’ll be the kid’s equivalent to that scene in Tropic Thunder where Jack Black spots the golden mountain of heroin.
1 Convenient Carry On
Often, before stupid people have children, they freely compare the responsibilities of having a dog, to those of raising an infant. Sure, it’s moronic, but in this situation it could create some crossover that will benefit the little Kardashian. For the child’s first few years of life, it’s probably safe to assume that Kim will transport it around in a large, expensive purse, like it’s nothing more than a Pomeranian in a diaper. It might be embarrassing and slightly degrading, but damn if it won’t be comfy. Plus if the little guy ever gets mad at mom, he can feel free to unload a giant baby dump in her favorite Gucci.
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