Top 5 Non-Catholics That Should Be Considered for the Papacy

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With Pope Benedict XVI’s surprise announcement of his impending resignation, the Catholic Church has to scramble to find a new Holy See that can fill the departing octogenarian’s place. Benedict’s stepping down breaks centuries of tradition in which popes served until death, thus the decision has many wondering whether other traditions, too, should be bucked: perhaps the next pope should be chosen based on a range of merits suited to the progressive zeitgeist, and not limited by such factors as gender, doctrinal experience or even Catholicism. We recommend one of these fine candidates be placed in the running; any one of them “miter might not” be a great new pope! (See what we did there?)

5 Alexander Pope

Noted 18th Century British poet Alexander Pope! He is not only one of the most regularly quoted writers of the English language, but his name already fits right in there, what with the whole Mr. Pope thing. Not only was Pope a prolific poet, but also a political essayist and even a translator of Homer’s epic works The Iliad and The Odyssey! He… oh, wait… right. 18th Century… yeah, he’s dead.

4 Kofi Annan

This guy is another shoe-in for the job: he knows all the biggest players in geopolitics, he has experience talking to crowds, and he’s got a cool name (that part is just icing on the Papal cake). And besides, he is still probably smarting after that whole Syria intervention not going too well. This is the perfect chance for Mr. Annan to revive his once sterling image. And to serve the one billion or so Catholics around the world.

3 Daniel Day-Lewis

Look, the guy can play anything. We believed him as everything from President Lincoln to playing a ruthless turn-of-the-century oil baron to being an honorary Mohican, for god’s sake! Playing the role of pope would be a walk in the park for this plural Academy Award winning actor, so let’s put him on tape for the role. Yes, even D.D. Lewis has to read for a part this big. Clearly he’s going to get the role, though, and do brilliantly.

2 Michelle Obama

No one doesn’t love Mrs. Obama, so let’s give her the big funny hat and sit back to bask in the glow of worldwide consensus. Her husband might be one of the most polarizing figures in recent political history, but she is like the grilled cheese sandwich of global political/social relationships: everyone is happy with grilled cheese. And such fashion sense, too!

1 The Dalai Lama

We all know he’s a great guy, he’s already big into the whole religion thing and we know he can serve in this kind of post without mixing politics into things too much. And besides, he has essentially retired from full-time Lamaing, so this seems like a perfect lateral move for the Spiritual Leader. It’s also likely that the Vatican’s “Papal Shoe Budget” would go down with his ascension to the post.

Steven John is a published novelist and competitive pole vault champion. (The latter is not true.) His writing runs the gamut from speculative fiction to essays fueled by a mix of mirth and derision. He has never been to Lisbon but, statistically speaking, is probably taller than you.

0 thoughts on “Top 5 Non-Catholics That Should Be Considered for the Papacy”

  1. Wow. Do your research. Alexander Pope indeed WAS Catholic, and lived in a decidedly anti-Catholic England. Oh, and I dont love Michelle Obama either.

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